How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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