I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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