i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
