I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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