on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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