My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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