I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
