just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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