I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
