I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
