I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
