im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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