Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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