I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
