Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
