Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
