1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
