Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
