I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
