Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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