Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
