Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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