sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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