I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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