Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
