Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
