So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
foreskin is a definite game changer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
