so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
