Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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