my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
