i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
