is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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