i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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