Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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