why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
