I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
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I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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