better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
