I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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