you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
