Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pants are for mortals
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
