Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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