im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
