I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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