if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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