Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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