She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
