No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
