Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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