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Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
