And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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