You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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