I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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