wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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