you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
