why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
