All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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