Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
