sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
