She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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