God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
